Room For Schemes

Crappy Gift Ideas 2010

2010-12-23T09:18:00.000-08:00

Rivertown comic

2010-11-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

The Black Friday Rap

2010-11-25T17:50:00.001-08:00

Rivertown comic

2010-11-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

This will be a regular feature here if I can't get this syndicated.

2010-08-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPrH2F0-PDc

Apathetica:Because sometimes you don't give a shit...and don't want to, either

2010-08-03T20:26:00.001-07:00

Apathetica:Because sometimes you don't give a shit...and don't want to, either

2010-08-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0_0mLMaWyI

New Blakewood campaign ad

2010-07-24T16:03:00.001-07:00

Roomforschemes Videos from Funny or Die

Khan Quits His Job

2010-07-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

To my genetically inferior superiors,

For too long I have toiled on your behalf while you sit in your executive level chairs made of fine Corinthian leather. For too long I have been micromanaged by Brenda, a woman so dense she can block neutrinos. The fact that you don’t get that joke is further proof of your inferiority.

In addition to knowing my wrath, you must also know why. Here is a list of grievances that I am submitting to you for the eighth and final time.
1.Bill has said on several occasions that my hair makes me look like a geriatric Peggy Bundy.
2.Carl has a ring tone that features William Shatner screaming my name over and over again. He keeps playing it for his friends and acts like it’s still funny every time.
3.Beth keeps making bigoted statements about the genetically enhanced. I have reported her to HR on multiple occasions, yet no action has been taken.
4.Meryl is permitted to wear her slutty tops to work, yet I am not allowed to wear my vest that shows off my glorious pecs.

While the order to stay at least 50 feet from your secretary keeps me from killing all of you, be aware that all your trespasses against me shall not go unavenged. You may expect OHSA inspectors to arrive sometime on Thursday. They have receive a not-so anonymous tip regarding the obsolete sprinkler system that to which you fools have entrusted all our lives. May their bureaucracy stifle you like your mediocrity has stifled me.

Signed
Khan Noonien Singh

Mark Souder Gets Rapped

2010-05-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

Stressed Out Woman Creates Another Video

2010-04-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

Stressed out local writer/artist Gloria Diaz isn't just writing about her medical woes, now she's making videos about them.

"I should have recorded the surgery as it was happening, but this is funnier and nonsensical and not nearly as gross," says Diaz.

Diaz claims she has a cold, but will refrain from filming the snot dripping from her nose. At least for now.

Contest Entry

2010-03-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

Jesus Rents Self

2010-03-08T17:16:00.001-08:00

According to Failblog.org, Jesus is hard up for cash.

The website reports that Jesus contacted an advertising firm in New Zealand about putting a sign on a shack by a two-lane road.

The ad firm was mum about the transaction, and what exactly Jesus would do and for how much.

Rich Asshole Plagiarizes Poor Asshole

2010-02-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

Rich asshole Seth MacFarlane, creator of the hit television shows “Family Guy,” “American Dad” and “The Cleveland Show”, has been accused of plagiarizing from other shows such as “The Simpsons.” Now, he’s being accused of plagiarizing a person.

Robert Enders, a poor asshole from Fort Wayne, Indiana, resembles MacFarlane to the extent that he is filing a lawsuit against MacFarlane for Doppelganger Infringement.
“I can’t fucking believe him,” exploded Enders, 30. “He’s a rich fuck and can’t even have an original looking face. He has to look like me!”

MacFarlane, 35, has taken hits in the press for not having an original concept with his breakout hit, “Family Guy.” Cancelled twice, it finally went back on the air after DVD sales skyrocketed and reruns of the show on Cartoon Network generated a healthy fan base.

“I don’t give fuck about Enders,” said MacFarlane, from his home in California.

“Well, fuck him,” said Enders, in response.

“No, fuck YOU, Robert!”

“NO, FUCK YOU, Seth!”

After several more minutes of tough-guy brags and taunts, MacFarlane and Enders got into a fight, which worsened when an obese man and a giant chicken entered into the fracas.

Self-Described "Creative Type" Films Asses for Fun

2010-02-22T19:28:00.000-08:00

Thrilled with her first ever parody video, Gloria Diaz has released it on YouTube.

"'Baby Got Back' is one of my favorite songs," says Diaz. "Since we are one of the fattest cities in the nation, I figured this would be the easiest place to find huge rear ends. And boy, did I ever!"

Diaz's next video project will either mock her financial situation, or make fun of America's decline, whichever seems easier to produce.

"The music's not mine. Maybe someday, I'll compose my own, but for now, I'll just steal someone else's."

Obama to develop high speed trains, biplanes, and telegraph lines

2010-02-06T00:45:00.000-08:00

From Recovery.org:
Critics of high speed rail insist that trains are obselete. Yet this and other programs are already stimulating the economy. So today I am proud to announce the purchase of a fleet of high speed biplanes for the Army Air Corps. These pursuit planes will fly in excess of 100mph, and will counter the threat posed by Prussian zeppelins.

We're also laying down a new high speed telegraph line that will stretch from coast to coast. It will transmit Morse code messages at the speed of light, and will provide jobs to thousands of communications majors.

National Big Box Chain Tries to be Ironic

2010-02-04T18:07:00.000-08:00

The Northcrest Shopping Center Best Buy took a shot at being ironic--or did it?
The book display, featuring works by Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck, were displayed in front of a sign that read, "Enrich Your Mind."
"Fertilizer is enriching," said Stacy Lynch, who works in appliances. "I don't see what the big deal is."

Local Church Reaches Out to Negroes; Other Non-whites

2010-01-28T19:50:00.001-08:00

A Fort Wayne, Indiana church is seeking to help those unfortunate individuals who weren’t born white.
“God can help,” says Pastor Rich Reynolds, of the Wallen Road Church of Christ. “He can make you white as snow.”
The church is offering a 10-week program in “Whiteness,” where participants will lose all sense of rhythm, avoid the south side of Fort Wayne, forbid their children to listen to rap, refuse to eat fried chicken and develop an appreciation for BMWs and clothing from L.L. Bean.

Hourly Room Rental to Lure Visitors to Downtown Fort Wayne

2010-01-19T17:39:00.001-08:00

A new hotel planned for downtown Fort Wayne will offer several job opportunities for women 14-40.
An Hour At Harrison, by Courtyard by Marriott, will rent rooms by the hour, with female companions available for sightseeing, formal tours and companionship.
A spokesman for the Downtown Improvement District was thrilled at the prospect of women luring people downtown, if only for an hour.
“Our goal is to bring people downtown at any cost,” said the spokesman.
Applications for the position will be taken at several of the city’s strip clubs. Those women not old enough to enter the strip clubs should apply at the Fort Wayne Convention and Visitors Bureau.

Doctors Remove Big Mac from Rush Limbaugh's Aorta

2010-01-10T19:11:00.001-08:00

Doctors have finally revealed they removed a Big Mac from Rush Limbaugh’s aorta. The hospital's staff planned to keep quiet until Limbaugh’s girlfriend said what she was doing when Limbaugh called her regarding his chest pains.
On hearing the news, millions of liberals were despondent that the Big Mac removal will add years to his life, but have hopes Limbaugh will still be taken down by a sniper, die in a plane crash or embarrass himself to death.

How to end Global Warming

2009-12-15T04:55:00.000-08:00

Obama can reverse global warming by adopting a first strike policy. This would have the short term effect of blocking out the sun with dust, thereby reducing global temperatures. In the long run, CO2 emissions will be reduced dramatically due to the decrease in the world's population. Additional benefits of this plan include a permanent reduction in nuclear stockpiles around the world due to retaliation, and an increase in biodiversity due to radiation.

Critics: Obama Is Soft On Reality Television

2009-12-01T09:49:00.001-08:00

Conservative pundits and talk show hosts have accused President Obama of failing to protect the nation from reality show contestants.
"Obama should have known that the Heene family was developing WMD's," Ann Coulter charged. "The Salahis infiltrated the White House just to prove the point that America is weak. It was the biggest liberal failure since the Clinton Administration failed to apprehend Richard Hatch when he was still in Borneo."

Texas Massacre Indicates Economy Improving

2009-11-07T19:19:00.001-08:00

Despite the nation being horrified by the shooting at Fort Hood, one economic anaylist says the massacre is a sign things are looking up.

Dave Pelway, an economist with the conservative think tank Everything's Fine; We're In Charge, says "the shooting was actually a good thing. People tend to worry more about themselves and their families in trying economics times. The fact that this man turned a gun on a military base is a turn in the right direction."

Pelway went on to explain that during good times, people tend to get bored and shoot other people for no reason. Since the economic meltdown, things have been pretty quiet on the mass murder scene. The shootings in Texas and Florida are a good sign the economy is on the upswing and instead of worrying about being jobless, people will also have to worry about being shot on the jobs they no doubt will be hired for soon.

Pelway also thought the demand for ammunition may also go up, as well as purchases for Kevlar vests.

"There's another way to look at it too," says Pelway. "The more people killed in shootings, the more job openings there will be. So it's all good."

Horrible Sounding Buffet Puts Restaurant Out of Business

2009-10-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

A Pizza King located in Columbia City is going out of business due to the horrible sounding food offerings advertised on its sign.
A "Lungh Puffet" was dreamed up by the owner, only to have locals reject it outright. The massive failure of the promotion was enough, in this bad economy, to put the restaurant out of business.
"Don't people realize I was advertising a "lunch buffet"? says stunned owner Harry Throckmorton. I ran out of Cs and Bs, which is why I substituted the G and the P."
Apparently Throckmorton, who graduated from the Harvard School of Business, underestimated the educational level of this northeast Indiana town, where the inhabitants think "bad grammar" is an older female relative with a prison record.

No, You Can't!

2009-10-01T07:51:00.001-07:00

Xbox: Easier than real crime

2009-09-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

Guy in Auburn Names Company After the Kind of Guy He Is

2009-09-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

Assmann Corporation, is the dream come true for Rick Henselmann, the company’s owner.
“I’ll be honest: I like ass,” he says.
So he figured he’d name his company, which provides accounting and tax help for small businesses after what kind of guy he is.
“I’ve always liked female ass. I know that makes me kind of rare, because most men are breast men. But Ass man sounds cooler, so I figured it works,” said Henselmann.
“Plus, it stands out.”
Other business owners in the industrial park where Henselmann is located tolerate the obscene-sounding name.
“At first, we were like, ‘well, that sounds kinda dirty,’” says Dave Bohren, of Bohren Logistics, which also has a warehouse in the area. “So we let it go, even though Rick has taunted me from time to time about ‘Bohren’. He says it’s too close to ‘boring’ and he gets a kick that his company’s name has a cuss word in it. Rick is actually kind of a dick. He should have named it ‘Dickmann Corporation.’”

Murdered Florida Couple Mistaken for Jon and Kate

2009-07-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

The murdered Florida couple with 17 children were apparently mistaken for Jon and Kate Gosselin, also the parents of a huge family.
"I feel bad they killed the wrong couple," said Jose Corte de Vidrio, an investigator on the case. "These people were really nice, and not a couple of media whores. But Jon and Kate? Puhleeeze!"
The "persons of interest" in the crime are strongly urged to head north to Pennsylvania, where the Gosselins reside, at least some of the time.

Victoria's Secret Formula

2009-07-07T13:46:00.000-07:00

Celebrity Obituary

2009-07-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

Karl Malden left Earth without his American Express Travelers' Checks.

Michael Jackson dies

2009-06-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, has died at the age of 50. The organic portion of his remains will be cremated and the ashes will be scattered over a playground. His prosthetics will be recycled into limited edition Pepsi "King of Pop" 2 liter bottles.

Ed McMahon Appears At Pearly Gates With Oversized Novelty Check

2009-06-23T19:17:00.001-07:00

Ed McMahon appeared at the Pearly Gates Tuesday with an oversized novelty check made out to God, also known as "Yahweh," "Allah," "Jehovah," "Dios," and "The Man Upstairs."
God reportedly was still trying to cancel his "Entertainment Weekly" subscription and told Mr. McMahon that if he wound up on another fucking mailing list, he would cast him into a fiery lake of sulphur or a fiery pit of unread People magazines.
When introduced to Christ upon his arrival, McMahon burst out with "Heeeeeeere's Jesus!"
God reportedly rolled his eyes and said, "I hope he doesn't say that every time he sees him."

Stupidly Worded Sign Irks Adjuct Instructor

2009-06-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

Fort Wayne, IN--Gloria Diaz is appalled at a sign advertising tattoos that are “temporary” yet last forever.
“What the fuck is that?” Says Diaz. “How can tattoos be temporary, yet last forever? I was so upset at the sign, I didn’t go and bother to ask, like it said.”
Diaz teaches basic writing, and feels this sign is an indication of the end of basic communication. Or worse.
“This is ‘doublespeak’ just like in ‘1984.’ That was a book by George Orwell, which probably the vast majority of the readers of this blog aren’t familiar with. Morons.”
When asked how she felt about text messaging, Diaz’s face turned red, she started sputtering indignantly and collapsed from what was an apparent heart attack. She is recovering in a Fort Wayne hospital.

GM To Make Energy Drinks

2009-06-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

In a surprising move, General Motors announced today it would stop making cars and start making energy drinks.
The troubled automaker, which formally announced bankruptcy a few days ago, realized more people can afford to buy energy drinks than overpriced SUVs.
Guy Dudebro, newly hired marketing director for General Motors North America, said the move seems radical, but necessary.
“Dude, like no one can afford to buy cars. But energy drinks? Wow! Like that’s what kept me going all through college. They totally rock!”
Dudebro, who accepted the $23,000 a year salary, felt that being marketing director for a bankrupt auto maker beat working for $7.50 an hour at McDonald’s, where he was employed shortly before he graduated from the University of Phoenix.
The GM Energy Drinks will come in a variety of flavors. The marketing campaign is based on real-life people struggling with challenges, including bankruptcy, accidental dismemberment, job loss, and news that they have terminal cancer. The energy drinks keeps them going, despite their problems. The tagline for the ad campaign is “Get Juiced.”
Filmmaker Michael Moore, who shot to fame with his documentary, “Roger and Me,” about General Motors and its economic impact in Michigan said, “GM is reduced to bankruptcy? I’ll drink to that! Only not with one of their energy drinks.”

Stupid Ass City in Indiana Builds Stadiums Just to Destroy Them

2009-05-22T19:43:00.000-07:00

Fort Wayne Indiana—This stupid ass city, the second biggest in the state of Indiana, enjoys building stadiums only to demolish them barely a decade later.
The latest casualty in this lame-o city is Memorial Stadium, former home of the Fort Wayne Wizards, a minor league baseball team which had its name changed to the Tin Caps.
The last event in Memorial Stadium, a monster truck rally/motocross competition, was held just a week before the stadium will be torn down.
“We like wasting money here,” says Randy Brown, who is general manager of the Memorial Coliseum, a short walk across the parking lot from the stadium. “They enlarged the Coliseum a few years ago, and I can’t wait until they tear that down and build another one downtown, preferably right next to Parkview Field, which replaced Memorial Stadium.”
As for the Tin Caps strange name, it’s based on Johnny Appleseed, a guy who wore a cooking pot on his head and walked around planting trees. His grave is across the parking lot from the Coliseum. Cynical residents refer to the team as the “Potheads.”
Residents hoped the condos, which were going to be built along with a hotel to go with the new stadium would also be torn down, but the jokes on them—they aren’t going to be built.
Instead, a brand new iMax theater will be constructed downtown.
The theater, scheduled to be completed in 2012, will be demolished in 2022.

Joss Whedon Sells Soul to Devil for Another Good Show

2009-05-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Admitted atheist Joss Whedon sold his soul to the Devil earlier this week in exchange for another hit.
Whedon, the creator of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is tired of being referred to as a one-hit wonder.
“The Browncoats are supportive, but there aren’t enough of them. I need to draw mainstream viewers.”
Whedon was complimented by J. J. Abrams, who said, “Joss’s storytelling is always that perfect storm of wit, deep emotion and passion for genre. His brilliant characters make familiar territory brand spanking new--and damn if he can’t write a catchy theme song, too.”
However, blogger Rutager Faust would disagree with that. His post, “Joss Whedon’s ‘Dollhouse’ sucks--The Official Review” points out holes in the plot, dismissing Whedon as a hack and a plagiarist.
“It’s no surprise that the “creative” force behind the idiotic “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” TV series would go on to produce another TV show that also sucks.”
“He probably gave herpes to Rihanna,” he adds, concluding his article.
Whedon responded to Faust’s post, but his response was written in Chinese. A translation wasn’t available at press time, but a Room for Schemes staffer thought the post probably said, “fuck you, motherfucker. Stupid blogger, what the fuck do you know about television?"

Oedipus Society Finds M-F- Word Offensive

2009-05-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

Frank James, spokesperson of the Oedipus Society, decried the rampant use of the M-F- word in movies, music, and everyday conversation. "The term that ignorant people use to describe the special relationship that we have with our mothers is deplorable. We prefer to be called matrisexuals."

This Date in History

2009-05-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

May 4, 1986
The previous owner of your house paints the interior, getting all the window sills, cabinets, towel racks, and even a couple outlets. This was done in part to increase its resale value, and it must have worked because you sure as hell bought it. Your recent attempt to open your bedroom window was the latest unsuccessful attempt to open it since it was painted.

Wal-mart Provides Higher Education At a Lower Price

2009-04-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought Wal-mart was everywhere, it is. Wal-mart recently announced the opening of the Wal-mart Institute of America, an online college offering degrees at cut-rate prices.

“Why the hell didn’t we think of this before?” exclaimed Bob Walton, one of the heirs to the Wal-mart fortune. “Americans have indicated they will buy anything at our store, and since everyone is going to school nowadays, we thought it would be a worthwhile addition to the usual crap we sell.”

A full range of educational degrees will be available, from certificates to the doctorate level.

In keeping with the tradition of Wal-mart superstores, the Wal-Mart Institutes of America will offer a wide variety of programs and majors at low prices.

Private colleges and universities can cost $25,000 a year or more for students pursuing a four-year degree. Wal-mart will offer bachelor’s degrees for a mere $20,000, which is a savings of more than 75 percent.

Those needing financial aid can apply for it through the Institute. Student loans will be offered through Wal-bank, the retailer’s newest venture into the banking industry.

Students who graduate from Wal-mart Institute of America will have their student loans forgiven if they agree to work at Wal-mart for at least 20 years after they graduate.

However, not everyone is thrilled that the nation’s largest retailer is offering college diplomas.

“Okay, think about it. Wal-mart’s stuff is mostly poorly-made crap made in China,” gripes Willard LeSnobé, of the National Association of Higher Education. “Do you think a Wal-mart diploma is going to get you as far, as say, a degree from Notre Dame?”

Along with the convenience of online classes and low tuition, students who enroll at Wal-mart Institute get their very own vest, smiley face button, and a nametag combining both regular and italic letters.

Supermodel Actually A Skeleton

2009-04-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

Current “It” girl Gabriella Corte de Vidrio, thought to be an actual supermodel, is actually super-skinny. So skinny, she’s a skeleton.
The 20-year-old Argentinean model was discovered to be nothing but bones when she fell over while at a recent fitting for a Versace runway show and shattered.
She was put together again with a bottle of Gorilla Glue, with the help of several seamstresses.
The accident, from which she recovered, won’t affect her contract with Bally Fitness’s “No Fat Chicks” campaign, created to promote slender lifestyles.
“There is no such thing as being too rich or too thin,” says Beth Schultz, of Bally Fitness. “Women need to be skinny at whatever cost. While we would prefer them to work out and eat a cube of cheese a day, and maybe a small salad, we would be okay with vomiting after meals, too. No one likes a fat chick.”
“That’s not true,” says Fred Lucas, of the Fat,Underrated Chicks are King organization, otherwise known as F.U.C.K. “There’s nothing like a woman with a big, fat ass to grab onto when you’re nailing her. I wouldn’t fuck Gabriella if she were the last chick on earth.”

'Mission Accomplished' Proclaims Graham Richard

2009-04-20T19:14:00.000-07:00

After parachuting into Parkview Field, former mayor Graham Richard proclaimed the successful conclusion of the Harrison Square project. "We have completed all of our objectives," said Richard.

4 out of 5 Dentists Complain Patients Don't Eat Enough Sugar

2009-04-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

Nashville TN—Chew sugarless gum? Hell no, say most dentists.
“I wish people wouldn’t take such good care of their teeth,” says Mervin Jones, of International Falls Minnesota. “How on earth am I supposed to buy a Mercedes and a lakefront cottage if all I’m doing is check-ups? That’s chicken shit work. That’s what the hygienists are for.
Contrary to what a popular television commercial has been saying for years, dentists would rather see patients chew sugar-laden gum, cereal, soda pop, desserts and whatever else has sugar in it.
“Fluoride in water was a terrible idea,” says Jack Pentwater, 35, of Akron, Ohio, who is also a dentist. “I thought being a dentist would be the easy way to the good life, but too many people are either cutting back on sugar, or brushing their teeth all the damn time. I’ve started giving out sugar cane laced with caffeine to all my patients in the hope of getting them hooked.”
Spokespersons for Dentyne, who originally made the “4 out of 5 dentists” claim, refused to comment.

Obama To GM: I'll Give You Money If You Make Motorized Barstools

2009-04-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

President Obama told General Motors today the company could have more money to ease its financial woes, but there’s a catch: the company has to start mass-producing motorized barstools.
The surprising demand has automakers and car buffs burning up the Internet as to why the sudden demand for these novelty modes of transportation.
“In these times, the country has to get creative and think outside the box,” said Obama. “The motorized barstools will provide jobs, transportation, and reduce the amount of pollution in crowded cities such as Los Angeles and New York.”
Michelle Obama was enthusiastic about the barstools, saying “they’re so cute!”
Candace Lightner, founder of Mothers Against Drunk Drivers was furious.
“The president is sending a message to anyone who can sit on his or her ass and steer. That message is ‘yes, you can drive!’ These barstools will mean nothing but trouble.”
Tara Reid, who has been in and out of rehab said of the unique mode of transportation, “I can’t wait to get one and make an even bigger douche bag out of myself than I already am!”

Obama steps down as part of Chinese bailout package

2009-03-31T15:26:00.001-07:00

President Obama stepped down on the request of Chinese Premier Hu Jintao as part of a mandatory restructuring. The United States government has 60 days to create a restructuring plan in order to qualify for more Chinese bailout funds. Government industry experts believe that as many as 400 Congressmen may be laid off.

School Goes Down In Flames In Citywide School Sign Spelling Bee

2009-03-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

Adopt-A-Hubcap Program A Failure In Amish Community

2009-03-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

Grabill IN--A small Indiana community is discovering its "Adopt-A-Hubcap" program isn't working.
The hubcap pictured is just one of a handful scattered around this peaceful farming community that hasn't been returned to its rightful owner.
"I don't know why it's not working," says Ben Watson, 62, a Grabill resident. "It seemed like a good idea."
Luke Schultz, 22, an Amish resident, thinks he knows why.
"People with cars usually drive through Grabill, they don't necessarily live here. And we Amish don't have cars. And we usually know who owns a particular buggy hubcap. I mean, come on, get real, people."

Senator Charles Grassley Starts New Suicide Hotline

2009-03-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

As a public service for Americans despondent over these economic times, Senator Charles Grassley created a new hotline for those contemplating suicide. People thinking about shuffling off their mortal coil can now call 1(855)UDIENOW. Sen. Grassley released transcripts of the first two calls to the hotline.

CALLER: My family is being evicted. I'm thinking about killing myself.
GRASSLEY: How do you plan on doing it?
CALLER: I don't know. I think I might lock myself in the garage and run the car engine.
GRASSLEY: Don't sit in the car when you do it because that hurts the resale value.

***

CALLER: I just received a multi-million dollar bonus even though my company is dependent on government bailouts to survive. What should I do?
GRASSLEY: You must salvage what's left of your honor by disemboweling yourself on the steps of the Capitol.

Center For Science In The Public Interest Discovers Public No Longer Cares

2009-03-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

Washington—The Center For Science In The Public Interest finally realized today the public it serves no longer cares to hear studies about how bad movie theater popcorn is, how Kung Pao chicken is essentially “a heart attack on a plate”, and that sugar is cancer’s food.”
“That whole place is a total downer,” says Patrick “Pat” McCrotch, 28, who was downing a mug of Guinness at Scully’s, a popular Washington watering hole. “My God, ‘this is bad for you, and this is bad for you,’ that’s all those people said. Those assholes wouldn’t be happy until the entire country was eating nothing but organically-grown raw veggies. Personally, I’d rather kill myself than eat that shit,” he adds, as his mozzarella sticks and french fries he’d ordered were served to him.
The now unemployed staffers insisted they were trying to save the world, however misguided their attempts were.
“Like, obesity is really a problem in the United States? And like, it’s spreading all over the world?” says Tricia Collins, 21, a former secretary at CSPI. “Like, we were only trying to help people make better choices and not end up with heart attacks and be fat and stuff. Because fat people, are like, gross.” Collins is thinking about her next career move.
“Like, I was thinking of working at Hooters. Their food is gross, and so are their customers, but I heard the tips are good.”

"Bernie's Law" proposed

2009-03-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

As part of a plea agreement, Bernie Madoff was sentenced to serve 2 consecutive terms in President Obama's Cabinet. As a result, local DC residents are pushing for "Bernie's law", which would require members of the Obama Administration to register with the police before moving into a neighborhood. DC Councilman Marion Barry praised the idea, saying "We need to protect our children from people like this."

2009-03-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

Fort Wayne has a new player in the coffee shop business—and it’s clothing-optional.
The Naked Café has opened in the Washington Square Shopping Center on Clinton Street just in time for spring. The café sells coffee, pastries, and the opportunity to paint pottery. While naked.
“Right next door is H and R Block,” says a Naked Café employee, “so after you’re stripped by Uncle Sam, come hang out with us!”

Saks Fifth Avenue To Carry Ann Coulter Bondage Clothing

2009-02-25T15:49:00.000-08:00

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter shocked both conservatives and liberals when she announced a line of bondage clothing she has been working on for years will be making its debut at Saks Fifth Avenue this summer.
“Let’s face it—sex sells, and the only reason the right wing made me a star is because I’m blonde and hot. The Republican Party has done all right, but they finally figured out that America likes to look at bimbos, regardless of what comes out their mouths. I mean really, if you’re conservative, do you want to look at some fat old guy, or a woman who looks good in a bustier?” says Coulter, 47.

"Baghdad Bob" named as city's new PIO

2009-02-23T09:53:00.000-08:00

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, Saddam Hussein's minister of information, has been hired as Fort Wayne's newest PIO. Today he issued a statement regarding the progress of the Harrison Square project. "The project is a huge success. Young professionals are flocking to the heart of the city. The Americans are not here-oops, sorry, force of habit. Every condo unit has been sold. The lying infidels who claimed that the project is failing will be placed at the bottom of the waiting list for season tickets. I triple guarantee you that there is sufficient financing available for the new hotel."

Great Debate

2009-02-21T22:13:00.000-08:00

Local Apartment Complex Offers Great Deal

2009-02-18T15:55:00.000-08:00

Willows of Coventry is offering a “fire sale” on rents for new tenants who move in within a month.
The beleaguered apartment complex is trying to bounce back from three fires in four months. The “fire sale” is an attempt to capitalize on recent events, even though the most recent fire killed three women.
One bedroom apartment renters will receive a $100 discount per month for each month the apartment complex is fire-free, up to a year. Two bedroom apartment renters get a $150 per month discount.
“This is one hot deal!” said a Willows of Coventry employee, who chose to remain anonymous.

Obama Warns That Recession May Last Into His Third Term

2009-02-16T19:39:00.000-08:00

Obama said today that his administration may have deal with this recession for at least another ten years. “This recession was caused by massive borrowing and spending, and the only way to fix it is more spending on an unprecedented scale. If the economy doesn’t recover after five years, we’ll just have keep trying. I may even be forced to run for a forth term. But it should be clear that long term recessions require long term long term planning, much of which be done at once without any time for debate or consideration by Congress.”

New Restaurant Coming To Downtown Fort Wayne

2009-02-12T07:26:00.000-08:00

Coming to downtown Fort Wayne just in time for the opening of Harrison Square is Peckers, a restaurant catering to female sports fans. “Pecker Boys” will wear yellow Speedos and serve chicken planks, fries, and will offer “lite” fare for sporty ladies looking to watch their weight.
A spokesperson for Peckers says Fort Wayne is an “ideal” location for the new fast food chain, a feminist response to Hooters.
“If women agree to serve food to fat guys too chicken to walk into a strip club, and are willing to work for $2.33 an hour plus tips, we figure we can find men who are willing to wear skimpy swimsuits and do basically the same thing.”
The spokesperson admitted that because of the Peckers philosophy of finding comely, fit men to be Pecker Boys, the entire Fort Wayne staff was imported from more physically fit areas of the country, like Southern California.
“If Hooters doesn’t have fat-ass, ugly women, we feel we shouldn’t have fat-ass, ugly guys,” said the spokesperson. These men are indeed servers, but they are sex objects as well. We want the ladies of Fort Wayne to be confident they will have quality food brought to them by handsome, fit men, unlike the guys they are married to.”
Peckers plans the Fort Wayne location to serve as opening day headquarters of the Tin Caps inaugural season in April.
The spokesperson expects more Peckers to spring up over northeast Indiana in the next three years.

NFL to Debut Toilet Bowl in 2010

2009-02-05T17:44:00.000-08:00

In order to make the NFL’s worst teams feel better and to improve players' self-esteem, the NFL will have a new bowl game called the Toilet Bowl.
“For the shittiest two teams in the league,” says Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner. “They won’t get a lot of money for it, but it gives at least one of them a chance to prove they aren’t the shittiest team in the league. Whoever loses is the shittiest.”
The Toilet Bowl, according to its organizers, will “keep it real.” The search is on for a field, which will be unpretentious. “Don’t expect a full-service stadium, with big screens and whatnot,” says Goodell. “This game will be pro football at its most shittiest.”
A number of free tickets will be given to season ticket holders of the two shittiest teams in football. The rest will be sold at a minimal amount. “People are willing to pay $500 to $1,000 a ticket for the Super Bowl, but they are seeing the best the NFL has to offer,” says Goodell. “The Toilet Bowl will be way more affordable.”
As will be the half time entertainment. “We are looking at several marching bands and show choirs that might want to be a part of this. Also, we may accept audition tapes from ballet studios.”
Commercials, which are a major part of the Super Bowl, will also be a part of the Toilet Bowl, except for one thing: they’re gonna suck.
“We’re planning for locally-produced commercials from each of the cities participating in the Toilet Bowl,” says Goodell. “We feel it fits in with the whole spirit of the game.”
The Toilet Bowl will make its debut a week after the BCS in 2010.
However, if the Toilet Bowl made its debut this year, fans of the Detroit Lions and Kansas City Chiefs would have played.
“Damn! What a great Toilet Bowl that would have been!” says Goodell.

History fans disappointed by "World War: Episode I"

2009-02-03T06:10:00.000-08:00

History fans and purists are critical of "World War: Episode I", the long awaited prequel to "WW2".
"Most of the battlefield deaths were due to disease and not enemy action," complained one man dressed as Woodrow Wilson. "What kind of war is that? Trench warfare isn't as exciting as blitzkrieg. There weren't any nuclear explosions either. I can't believe I wasted money on those tickets and this stupid costume."
Many history fans were disappointed that air power did not play as an important role. Others complained that the politics leading up to the war were "boring and difficult to understand".
Critics are however divided on the Bolshevik Revolution side story. Some insist that it distracts from the main plot, other say that its the only thing that makes "Episode I" worth studying.
The conflict does have its defenders, however. "It's neat to learn about what happened before 'WW2', said Marvin Yates, a self proclaimed "World War nut" who had his car modified to look like a T-34. "I really enjoyed learning how heroes like Eisenhower rose to glory and what Petain was like before he turned to the dark side."
Added one fan dressed like a Stormtrooper, "I realize this was a unpopular conflict, but I'm sure that this doesn't mean the end of the franchise."

Faltering Retail Creates New Job Trend

2009-01-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

The declining economy has created a hot new job trend, just in time for laid-off employees. The job: Sign holder for failing businesses.
Economists expect the need for sign holders to increase as a sluggish economy continues to take hit after hit.
“At least there’s a silver lining,” says Ben Dover, of E.E.E.K, the Economic Edification Education Klan. “With the thousands of layoffs, come a handful of jobs being created.”
Sign holders have at least some college education, although most for the company that’s preparing to go out of business.
“It’s totally ironic,” says Barry Blakeman, who became a sign holder when his former, employer, Linens ‘N Things, went out of business. He says he went from being a department head to sign holder after the company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in May 2008.
One sign holder, who declined to give his name, says, “at least I’m not sitting around at home collecting unemployment. I’m standing out here in subfreezing weather alerting drivers to unbelievable bargains from failing retailers. I feel special.”
However, others are embarrassed about the job.
“I wrap up my face to keep warm and to keep from anyone seeing me,” said a sign holder who refused to be identified, but was okay with being photographed.
"I’ll be honest though. This job fucking sucks.”

Study shows employees of pizza and sub joints can’t spell simple words

2009-01-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

Obama To Close Gitmo, Cancel "24"

2009-01-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

President Obama ordered that the detention center at Guantanamo Bay be shut down within a year, and that the TV show "24" be taken off the air. "The United States does not and should not condone torture," the President said at a press conference. "Never should we force detainees to endure waterboarding or expect audiences to sit through 60 minutes of a blatantly contrived storyline involving Kiefer Sutherland running around pointing a gun at people's heads.