National Big Box Chain Tries to be Ironic

The Northcrest Shopping Center Best Buy took a shot at being ironic--or did it?
The book display, featuring works by Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck, were displayed in front of a sign that read, "Enrich Your Mind."
"Fertilizer is enriching," said Stacy Lynch, who works in appliances. "I don't see what the big deal is."

Local Church Reaches Out to Negroes; Other Non-whites

A Fort Wayne, Indiana church is seeking to help those unfortunate individuals who weren’t born white.
“God can help,” says Pastor Rich Reynolds, of the Wallen Road Church of Christ. “He can make you white as snow.”
The church is offering a 10-week program in “Whiteness,” where participants will lose all sense of rhythm, avoid the south side of Fort Wayne, forbid their children to listen to rap, refuse to eat fried chicken and develop an appreciation for BMWs and clothing from L.L. Bean.

Hourly Room Rental to Lure Visitors to Downtown Fort Wayne

A new hotel planned for downtown Fort Wayne will offer several job opportunities for women 14-40.
An Hour At Harrison, by Courtyard by Marriott, will rent rooms by the hour, with female companions available for sightseeing, formal tours and companionship.
A spokesman for the Downtown Improvement District was thrilled at the prospect of women luring people downtown, if only for an hour.
“Our goal is to bring people downtown at any cost,” said the spokesman.
Applications for the position will be taken at several of the city’s strip clubs. Those women not old enough to enter the strip clubs should apply at the Fort Wayne Convention and Visitors Bureau.

Doctors Remove Big Mac from Rush Limbaugh's Aorta

Doctors have finally revealed they removed a Big Mac from Rush Limbaugh’s aorta. The hospital's staff planned to keep quiet until Limbaugh’s girlfriend said what she was doing when Limbaugh called her regarding his chest pains.
On hearing the news, millions of liberals were despondent that the Big Mac removal will add years to his life, but have hopes Limbaugh will still be taken down by a sniper, die in a plane crash or embarrass himself to death.

How to end Global Warming

Obama can reverse global warming by adopting a first strike policy. This would have the short term effect of blocking out the sun with dust, thereby reducing global temperatures. In the long run, CO2 emissions will be reduced dramatically due to the decrease in the world's population. Additional benefits of this plan include a permanent reduction in nuclear stockpiles around the world due to retaliation, and an increase in biodiversity due to radiation.

Critics: Obama Is Soft On Reality Television

Conservative pundits and talk show hosts have accused President Obama of failing to protect the nation from reality show contestants.
"Obama should have known that the Heene family was developing WMD's," Ann Coulter charged. "The Salahis infiltrated the White House just to prove the point that America is weak. It was the biggest liberal failure since the Clinton Administration failed to apprehend Richard Hatch when he was still in Borneo."

Texas Massacre Indicates Economy Improving

Despite the nation being horrified by the shooting at Fort Hood, one economic anaylist says the massacre is a sign things are looking up.

Dave Pelway, an economist with the conservative think tank Everything's Fine; We're In Charge, says "the shooting was actually a good thing. People tend to worry more about themselves and their families in trying economics times. The fact that this man turned a gun on a military base is a turn in the right direction."

Pelway went on to explain that during good times, people tend to get bored and shoot other people for no reason. Since the economic meltdown, things have been pretty quiet on the mass murder scene. The shootings in Texas and Florida are a good sign the economy is on the upswing and instead of worrying about being jobless, people will also have to worry about being shot on the jobs they no doubt will be hired for soon.

Pelway also thought the demand for ammunition may also go up, as well as purchases for Kevlar vests.

"There's another way to look at it too," says Pelway. "The more people killed in shootings, the more job openings there will be. So it's all good."