Friday, May 22, 2009

Stupid Ass City in Indiana Builds Stadiums Just to Destroy Them

Fort Wayne Indiana—This stupid ass city, the second biggest in the state of Indiana, enjoys building stadiums only to demolish them barely a decade later.
The latest casualty in this lame-o city is Memorial Stadium, former home of the Fort Wayne Wizards, a minor league baseball team which had its name changed to the Tin Caps.
The last event in Memorial Stadium, a monster truck rally/motocross competition, was held just a week before the stadium will be torn down.
“We like wasting money here,” says Randy Brown, who is general manager of the Memorial Coliseum, a short walk across the parking lot from the stadium. “They enlarged the Coliseum a few years ago, and I can’t wait until they tear that down and build another one downtown, preferably right next to Parkview Field, which replaced Memorial Stadium.”
As for the Tin Caps strange name, it’s based on Johnny Appleseed, a guy who wore a cooking pot on his head and walked around planting trees. His grave is across the parking lot from the Coliseum. Cynical residents refer to the team as the “Potheads.”
Residents hoped the condos, which were going to be built along with a hotel to go with the new stadium would also be torn down, but the jokes on them—they aren’t going to be built.
Instead, a brand new iMax theater will be constructed downtown.
The theater, scheduled to be completed in 2012, will be demolished in 2022.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Joss Whedon Sells Soul to Devil for Another Good Show

Admitted atheist Joss Whedon sold his soul to the Devil earlier this week in exchange for another hit.
Whedon, the creator of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is tired of being referred to as a one-hit wonder.
“The Browncoats are supportive, but there aren’t enough of them. I need to draw mainstream viewers.”
Whedon was complimented by J. J. Abrams, who said, “Joss’s storytelling is always that perfect storm of wit, deep emotion and passion for genre. His brilliant characters make familiar territory brand spanking new--and damn if he can’t write a catchy theme song, too.”
However, blogger Rutager Faust would disagree with that. His post, “Joss Whedon’s ‘Dollhouse’ sucks--The Official Review” points out holes in the plot, dismissing Whedon as a hack and a plagiarist.
“It’s no surprise that the “creative” force behind the idiotic “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” TV series would go on to produce another TV show that also sucks.”
“He probably gave herpes to Rihanna,” he adds, concluding his article.
Whedon responded to Faust’s post, but his response was written in Chinese. A translation wasn’t available at press time, but a Room for Schemes staffer thought the post probably said, “fuck you, motherfucker. Stupid blogger, what the fuck do you know about television?"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Oedipus Society Finds M-F- Word Offensive

Frank James, spokesperson of the Oedipus Society, decried the rampant use of the M-F- word in movies, music, and everyday conversation. "The term that ignorant people use to describe the special relationship that we have with our mothers is deplorable. We prefer to be called matrisexuals."

Monday, May 4, 2009

This Date in History

May 4, 1986
The previous owner of your house paints the interior, getting all the window sills, cabinets, towel racks, and even a couple outlets. This was done in part to increase its resale value, and it must have worked because you sure as hell bought it. Your recent attempt to open your bedroom window was the latest unsuccessful attempt to open it since it was painted.