Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson dies

Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, has died at the age of 50. The organic portion of his remains will be cremated and the ashes will be scattered over a playground. His prosthetics will be recycled into limited edition Pepsi "King of Pop" 2 liter bottles.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ed McMahon Appears At Pearly Gates With Oversized Novelty Check

Ed McMahon appeared at the Pearly Gates Tuesday with an oversized novelty check made out to God, also known as "Yahweh," "Allah," "Jehovah," "Dios," and "The Man Upstairs."
God reportedly was still trying to cancel his "Entertainment Weekly" subscription and told Mr. McMahon that if he wound up on another fucking mailing list, he would cast him into a fiery lake of sulphur or a fiery pit of unread People magazines.
When introduced to Christ upon his arrival, McMahon burst out with "Heeeeeeere's Jesus!"
God reportedly rolled his eyes and said, "I hope he doesn't say that every time he sees him."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Stupidly Worded Sign Irks Adjuct Instructor

Fort Wayne, IN--Gloria Diaz is appalled at a sign advertising tattoos that are “temporary” yet last forever.
“What the fuck is that?” Says Diaz. “How can tattoos be temporary, yet last forever? I was so upset at the sign, I didn’t go and bother to ask, like it said.”
Diaz teaches basic writing, and feels this sign is an indication of the end of basic communication. Or worse.
“This is ‘doublespeak’ just like in ‘1984.’ That was a book by George Orwell, which probably the vast majority of the readers of this blog aren’t familiar with. Morons.”
When asked how she felt about text messaging, Diaz’s face turned red, she started sputtering indignantly and collapsed from what was an apparent heart attack. She is recovering in a Fort Wayne hospital.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

GM To Make Energy Drinks

In a surprising move, General Motors announced today it would stop making cars and start making energy drinks.
The troubled automaker, which formally announced bankruptcy a few days ago, realized more people can afford to buy energy drinks than overpriced SUVs.
Guy Dudebro, newly hired marketing director for General Motors North America, said the move seems radical, but necessary.
“Dude, like no one can afford to buy cars. But energy drinks? Wow! Like that’s what kept me going all through college. They totally rock!”
Dudebro, who accepted the $23,000 a year salary, felt that being marketing director for a bankrupt auto maker beat working for $7.50 an hour at McDonald’s, where he was employed shortly before he graduated from the University of Phoenix.
The GM Energy Drinks will come in a variety of flavors. The marketing campaign is based on real-life people struggling with challenges, including bankruptcy, accidental dismemberment, job loss, and news that they have terminal cancer. The energy drinks keeps them going, despite their problems. The tagline for the ad campaign is “Get Juiced.”
Filmmaker Michael Moore, who shot to fame with his documentary, “Roger and Me,” about General Motors and its economic impact in Michigan said, “GM is reduced to bankruptcy? I’ll drink to that! Only not with one of their energy drinks.”