Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Saks Fifth Avenue To Carry Ann Coulter Bondage Clothing

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter shocked both conservatives and liberals when she announced a line of bondage clothing she has been working on for years will be making its debut at Saks Fifth Avenue this summer.
“Let’s face it—sex sells, and the only reason the right wing made me a star is because I’m blonde and hot. The Republican Party has done all right, but they finally figured out that America likes to look at bimbos, regardless of what comes out their mouths. I mean really, if you’re conservative, do you want to look at some fat old guy, or a woman who looks good in a bustier?” says Coulter, 47.

Monday, February 23, 2009

"Baghdad Bob" named as city's new PIO

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, Saddam Hussein's minister of information, has been hired as Fort Wayne's newest PIO. Today he issued a statement regarding the progress of the Harrison Square project. "The project is a huge success. Young professionals are flocking to the heart of the city. The Americans are not here-oops, sorry, force of habit. Every condo unit has been sold. The lying infidels who claimed that the project is failing will be placed at the bottom of the waiting list for season tickets. I triple guarantee you that there is sufficient financing available for the new hotel."

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Local Apartment Complex Offers Great Deal

Willows of Coventry is offering a “fire sale” on rents for new tenants who move in within a month.
The beleaguered apartment complex is trying to bounce back from three fires in four months. The “fire sale” is an attempt to capitalize on recent events, even though the most recent fire killed three women.
One bedroom apartment renters will receive a $100 discount per month for each month the apartment complex is fire-free, up to a year. Two bedroom apartment renters get a $150 per month discount.
“This is one hot deal!” said a Willows of Coventry employee, who chose to remain anonymous.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Obama Warns That Recession May Last Into His Third Term

Obama said today that his administration may have deal with this recession for at least another ten years. “This recession was caused by massive borrowing and spending, and the only way to fix it is more spending on an unprecedented scale. If the economy doesn’t recover after five years, we’ll just have keep trying. I may even be forced to run for a forth term. But it should be clear that long term recessions require long term long term planning, much of which be done at once without any time for debate or consideration by Congress.”

Thursday, February 12, 2009

New Restaurant Coming To Downtown Fort Wayne

Coming to downtown Fort Wayne just in time for the opening of Harrison Square is Peckers, a restaurant catering to female sports fans. “Pecker Boys” will wear yellow Speedos and serve chicken planks, fries, and will offer “lite” fare for sporty ladies looking to watch their weight.
A spokesperson for Peckers says Fort Wayne is an “ideal” location for the new fast food chain, a feminist response to Hooters.
“If women agree to serve food to fat guys too chicken to walk into a strip club, and are willing to work for $2.33 an hour plus tips, we figure we can find men who are willing to wear skimpy swimsuits and do basically the same thing.”
The spokesperson admitted that because of the Peckers philosophy of finding comely, fit men to be Pecker Boys, the entire Fort Wayne staff was imported from more physically fit areas of the country, like Southern California.
“If Hooters doesn’t have fat-ass, ugly women, we feel we shouldn’t have fat-ass, ugly guys,” said the spokesperson. These men are indeed servers, but they are sex objects as well. We want the ladies of Fort Wayne to be confident they will have quality food brought to them by handsome, fit men, unlike the guys they are married to.”
Peckers plans the Fort Wayne location to serve as opening day headquarters of the Tin Caps inaugural season in April.
The spokesperson expects more Peckers to spring up over northeast Indiana in the next three years.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

NFL to Debut Toilet Bowl in 2010

In order to make the NFL’s worst teams feel better and to improve players' self-esteem, the NFL will have a new bowl game called the Toilet Bowl.
“For the shittiest two teams in the league,” says Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner. “They won’t get a lot of money for it, but it gives at least one of them a chance to prove they aren’t the shittiest team in the league. Whoever loses is the shittiest.”
The Toilet Bowl, according to its organizers, will “keep it real.” The search is on for a field, which will be unpretentious. “Don’t expect a full-service stadium, with big screens and whatnot,” says Goodell. “This game will be pro football at its most shittiest.”
A number of free tickets will be given to season ticket holders of the two shittiest teams in football. The rest will be sold at a minimal amount. “People are willing to pay $500 to $1,000 a ticket for the Super Bowl, but they are seeing the best the NFL has to offer,” says Goodell. “The Toilet Bowl will be way more affordable.”
As will be the half time entertainment. “We are looking at several marching bands and show choirs that might want to be a part of this. Also, we may accept audition tapes from ballet studios.”
Commercials, which are a major part of the Super Bowl, will also be a part of the Toilet Bowl, except for one thing: they’re gonna suck.
“We’re planning for locally-produced commercials from each of the cities participating in the Toilet Bowl,” says Goodell. “We feel it fits in with the whole spirit of the game.”
The Toilet Bowl will make its debut a week after the BCS in 2010.
However, if the Toilet Bowl made its debut this year, fans of the Detroit Lions and Kansas City Chiefs would have played.
“Damn! What a great Toilet Bowl that would have been!” says Goodell.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

History fans disappointed by "World War: Episode I"

History fans and purists are critical of "World War: Episode I", the long awaited prequel to "WW2".
"Most of the battlefield deaths were due to disease and not enemy action," complained one man dressed as Woodrow Wilson. "What kind of war is that? Trench warfare isn't as exciting as blitzkrieg. There weren't any nuclear explosions either. I can't believe I wasted money on those tickets and this stupid costume."
Many history fans were disappointed that air power did not play as an important role. Others complained that the politics leading up to the war were "boring and difficult to understand".
Critics are however divided on the Bolshevik Revolution side story. Some insist that it distracts from the main plot, other say that its the only thing that makes "Episode I" worth studying.
The conflict does have its defenders, however. "It's neat to learn about what happened before 'WW2', said Marvin Yates, a self proclaimed "World War nut" who had his car modified to look like a T-34. "I really enjoyed learning how heroes like Eisenhower rose to glory and what Petain was like before he turned to the dark side."
Added one fan dressed like a Stormtrooper, "I realize this was a unpopular conflict, but I'm sure that this doesn't mean the end of the franchise."