Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Obama steps down as part of Chinese bailout package

President Obama stepped down on the request of Chinese Premier Hu Jintao as part of a mandatory restructuring. The United States government has 60 days to create a restructuring plan in order to qualify for more Chinese bailout funds. Government industry experts believe that as many as 400 Congressmen may be laid off.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Adopt-A-Hubcap Program A Failure In Amish Community

Grabill IN--A small Indiana community is discovering its "Adopt-A-Hubcap" program isn't working.
The hubcap pictured is just one of a handful scattered around this peaceful farming community that hasn't been returned to its rightful owner.
"I don't know why it's not working," says Ben Watson, 62, a Grabill resident. "It seemed like a good idea."
Luke Schultz, 22, an Amish resident, thinks he knows why.
"People with cars usually drive through Grabill, they don't necessarily live here. And we Amish don't have cars. And we usually know who owns a particular buggy hubcap. I mean, come on, get real, people."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Senator Charles Grassley Starts New Suicide Hotline

As a public service for Americans despondent over these economic times, Senator Charles Grassley created a new hotline for those contemplating suicide. People thinking about shuffling off their mortal coil can now call 1(855)UDIENOW. Sen. Grassley released transcripts of the first two calls to the hotline.

CALLER: My family is being evicted. I'm thinking about killing myself.
GRASSLEY: How do you plan on doing it?
CALLER: I don't know. I think I might lock myself in the garage and run the car engine.
GRASSLEY: Don't sit in the car when you do it because that hurts the resale value.


CALLER: I just received a multi-million dollar bonus even though my company is dependent on government bailouts to survive. What should I do?
GRASSLEY: You must salvage what's left of your honor by disemboweling yourself on the steps of the Capitol.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Center For Science In The Public Interest Discovers Public No Longer Cares

Washington—The Center For Science In The Public Interest finally realized today the public it serves no longer cares to hear studies about how bad movie theater popcorn is, how Kung Pao chicken is essentially “a heart attack on a plate”, and that sugar is cancer’s food.”
“That whole place is a total downer,” says Patrick “Pat” McCrotch, 28, who was downing a mug of Guinness at Scully’s, a popular Washington watering hole. “My God, ‘this is bad for you, and this is bad for you,’ that’s all those people said. Those assholes wouldn’t be happy until the entire country was eating nothing but organically-grown raw veggies. Personally, I’d rather kill myself than eat that shit,” he adds, as his mozzarella sticks and french fries he’d ordered were served to him.
The now unemployed staffers insisted they were trying to save the world, however misguided their attempts were.
“Like, obesity is really a problem in the United States? And like, it’s spreading all over the world?” says Tricia Collins, 21, a former secretary at CSPI. “Like, we were only trying to help people make better choices and not end up with heart attacks and be fat and stuff. Because fat people, are like, gross.” Collins is thinking about her next career move.
“Like, I was thinking of working at Hooters. Their food is gross, and so are their customers, but I heard the tips are good.”

Monday, March 9, 2009

"Bernie's Law" proposed

As part of a plea agreement, Bernie Madoff was sentenced to serve 2 consecutive terms in President Obama's Cabinet. As a result, local DC residents are pushing for "Bernie's law", which would require members of the Obama Administration to register with the police before moving into a neighborhood. DC Councilman Marion Barry praised the idea, saying "We need to protect our children from people like this."

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Fort Wayne has a new player in the coffee shop business—and it’s clothing-optional.
The Naked Café has opened in the Washington Square Shopping Center on Clinton Street just in time for spring. The café sells coffee, pastries, and the opportunity to paint pottery. While naked.
“Right next door is H and R Block,” says a Naked Café employee, “so after you’re stripped by Uncle Sam, come hang out with us!”