Thursday, July 8, 2010

Khan Quits His Job

To my genetically inferior superiors,

For too long I have toiled on your behalf while you sit in your executive level chairs made of fine Corinthian leather. For too long I have been micromanaged by Brenda, a woman so dense she can block neutrinos. The fact that you don’t get that joke is further proof of your inferiority.

In addition to knowing my wrath, you must also know why. Here is a list of grievances that I am submitting to you for the eighth and final time.
1.Bill has said on several occasions that my hair makes me look like a geriatric Peggy Bundy.
2.Carl has a ring tone that features William Shatner screaming my name over and over again. He keeps playing it for his friends and acts like it’s still funny every time.
3.Beth keeps making bigoted statements about the genetically enhanced. I have reported her to HR on multiple occasions, yet no action has been taken.
4.Meryl is permitted to wear her slutty tops to work, yet I am not allowed to wear my vest that shows off my glorious pecs.

While the order to stay at least 50 feet from your secretary keeps me from killing all of you, be aware that all your trespasses against me shall not go unavenged. You may expect OHSA inspectors to arrive sometime on Thursday. They have receive a not-so anonymous tip regarding the obsolete sprinkler system that to which you fools have entrusted all our lives. May their bureaucracy stifle you like your mediocrity has stifled me.

Khan Noonien Singh