Thursday, April 30, 2009

Wal-mart Provides Higher Education At a Lower Price

Just when you thought Wal-mart was everywhere, it is. Wal-mart recently announced the opening of the Wal-mart Institute of America, an online college offering degrees at cut-rate prices.

“Why the hell didn’t we think of this before?” exclaimed Bob Walton, one of the heirs to the Wal-mart fortune. “Americans have indicated they will buy anything at our store, and since everyone is going to school nowadays, we thought it would be a worthwhile addition to the usual crap we sell.”

A full range of educational degrees will be available, from certificates to the doctorate level.

In keeping with the tradition of Wal-mart superstores, the Wal-Mart Institutes of America will offer a wide variety of programs and majors at low prices.

Private colleges and universities can cost $25,000 a year or more for students pursuing a four-year degree. Wal-mart will offer bachelor’s degrees for a mere $20,000, which is a savings of more than 75 percent.

Those needing financial aid can apply for it through the Institute. Student loans will be offered through Wal-bank, the retailer’s newest venture into the banking industry.

Students who graduate from Wal-mart Institute of America will have their student loans forgiven if they agree to work at Wal-mart for at least 20 years after they graduate.

However, not everyone is thrilled that the nation’s largest retailer is offering college diplomas.

“Okay, think about it. Wal-mart’s stuff is mostly poorly-made crap made in China,” gripes Willard LeSnobĂ©, of the National Association of Higher Education. “Do you think a Wal-mart diploma is going to get you as far, as say, a degree from Notre Dame?”

Along with the convenience of online classes and low tuition, students who enroll at Wal-mart Institute get their very own vest, smiley face button, and a nametag combining both regular and italic letters.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Supermodel Actually A Skeleton

Current “It” girl Gabriella Corte de Vidrio, thought to be an actual supermodel, is actually super-skinny. So skinny, she’s a skeleton.
The 20-year-old Argentinean model was discovered to be nothing but bones when she fell over while at a recent fitting for a Versace runway show and shattered.
She was put together again with a bottle of Gorilla Glue, with the help of several seamstresses.
The accident, from which she recovered, won’t affect her contract with Bally Fitness’s “No Fat Chicks” campaign, created to promote slender lifestyles.
“There is no such thing as being too rich or too thin,” says Beth Schultz, of Bally Fitness. “Women need to be skinny at whatever cost. While we would prefer them to work out and eat a cube of cheese a day, and maybe a small salad, we would be okay with vomiting after meals, too. No one likes a fat chick.”
“That’s not true,” says Fred Lucas, of the Fat,Underrated Chicks are King organization, otherwise known as F.U.C.K. “There’s nothing like a woman with a big, fat ass to grab onto when you’re nailing her. I wouldn’t fuck Gabriella if she were the last chick on earth.”

Monday, April 20, 2009

'Mission Accomplished' Proclaims Graham Richard

After parachuting into Parkview Field, former mayor Graham Richard proclaimed the successful conclusion of the Harrison Square project. "We have completed all of our objectives," said Richard.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

4 out of 5 Dentists Complain Patients Don't Eat Enough Sugar

Nashville TN—Chew sugarless gum? Hell no, say most dentists.
“I wish people wouldn’t take such good care of their teeth,” says Mervin Jones, of International Falls Minnesota. “How on earth am I supposed to buy a Mercedes and a lakefront cottage if all I’m doing is check-ups? That’s chicken shit work. That’s what the hygienists are for.
Contrary to what a popular television commercial has been saying for years, dentists would rather see patients chew sugar-laden gum, cereal, soda pop, desserts and whatever else has sugar in it.
“Fluoride in water was a terrible idea,” says Jack Pentwater, 35, of Akron, Ohio, who is also a dentist. “I thought being a dentist would be the easy way to the good life, but too many people are either cutting back on sugar, or brushing their teeth all the damn time. I’ve started giving out sugar cane laced with caffeine to all my patients in the hope of getting them hooked.”
Spokespersons for Dentyne, who originally made the “4 out of 5 dentists” claim, refused to comment.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Obama To GM: I'll Give You Money If You Make Motorized Barstools

President Obama told General Motors today the company could have more money to ease its financial woes, but there’s a catch: the company has to start mass-producing motorized barstools.
The surprising demand has automakers and car buffs burning up the Internet as to why the sudden demand for these novelty modes of transportation.
“In these times, the country has to get creative and think outside the box,” said Obama. “The motorized barstools will provide jobs, transportation, and reduce the amount of pollution in crowded cities such as Los Angeles and New York.”
Michelle Obama was enthusiastic about the barstools, saying “they’re so cute!”
Candace Lightner, founder of Mothers Against Drunk Drivers was furious.
“The president is sending a message to anyone who can sit on his or her ass and steer. That message is ‘yes, you can drive!’ These barstools will mean nothing but trouble.”
Tara Reid, who has been in and out of rehab said of the unique mode of transportation, “I can’t wait to get one and make an even bigger douche bag out of myself than I already am!”