As a public service for Americans despondent over these economic times, Senator Charles Grassley created a new hotline for those contemplating suicide. People thinking about shuffling off their mortal coil can now call 1(855)UDIENOW. Sen. Grassley released transcripts of the first two calls to the hotline.
CALLER: My family is being evicted. I'm thinking about killing myself.
GRASSLEY: How do you plan on doing it?
CALLER: I don't know. I think I might lock myself in the garage and run the car engine.
GRASSLEY: Don't sit in the car when you do it because that hurts the resale value.
CALLER: I just received a multi-million dollar bonus even though my company is dependent on government bailouts to survive. What should I do?
GRASSLEY: You must salvage what's left of your honor by disemboweling yourself on the steps of the Capitol.