Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Senator Charles Grassley Starts New Suicide Hotline

As a public service for Americans despondent over these economic times, Senator Charles Grassley created a new hotline for those contemplating suicide. People thinking about shuffling off their mortal coil can now call 1(855)UDIENOW. Sen. Grassley released transcripts of the first two calls to the hotline.

CALLER: My family is being evicted. I'm thinking about killing myself.
GRASSLEY: How do you plan on doing it?
CALLER: I don't know. I think I might lock myself in the garage and run the car engine.
GRASSLEY: Don't sit in the car when you do it because that hurts the resale value.


CALLER: I just received a multi-million dollar bonus even though my company is dependent on government bailouts to survive. What should I do?
GRASSLEY: You must salvage what's left of your honor by disemboweling yourself on the steps of the Capitol.


  1. All your life are belong to us.

  2. Dunno about that hotline...
    I was put ON HOLD!

    (and their MUZAK sucks...what's with looping the song: TELL IT TO THE IRS anyway?)

    Still, I DO agree with the car/garage thing...all that soot RUINS the interior.
    Not to mention the CARBON FOOTPRINT you'd leave!!!

  3. Funny, when I called them, they were playing "Taxman" by the Beatles.