Washington—The Center For Science In The Public Interest finally realized today the public it serves no longer cares to hear studies about how bad movie theater popcorn is, how Kung Pao chicken is essentially “a heart attack on a plate”, and that sugar is cancer’s food.”
“That whole place is a total downer,” says Patrick “Pat” McCrotch, 28, who was downing a mug of Guinness at Scully’s, a popular Washington watering hole. “My God, ‘this is bad for you, and this is bad for you,’ that’s all those people said. Those assholes wouldn’t be happy until the entire country was eating nothing but organically-grown raw veggies. Personally, I’d rather kill myself than eat that shit,” he adds, as his mozzarella sticks and french fries he’d ordered were served to him.
The now unemployed staffers insisted they were trying to save the world, however misguided their attempts were.
“Like, obesity is really a problem in the United States? And like, it’s spreading all over the world?” says Tricia Collins, 21, a former secretary at CSPI. “Like, we were only trying to help people make better choices and not end up with heart attacks and be fat and stuff. Because fat people, are like, gross.” Collins is thinking about her next career move.
“Like, I was thinking of working at Hooters. Their food is gross, and so are their customers, but I heard the tips are good.”
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