Crappy Gift Ideas 2010

Rivertown comic

The Black Friday Rap

Rivertown comic

This will be a regular feature here if I can't get this syndicated.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPrH2F0-PDc

Apathetica:Because sometimes you don't give a shit...and don't want to, either

Apathetica:Because sometimes you don't give a shit...and don't want to, either

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0_0mLMaWyI

New Blakewood campaign ad

Roomforschemes Videos from Funny or Die

Khan Quits His Job

To my genetically inferior superiors,

For too long I have toiled on your behalf while you sit in your executive level chairs made of fine Corinthian leather. For too long I have been micromanaged by Brenda, a woman so dense she can block neutrinos. The fact that you don’t get that joke is further proof of your inferiority.

In addition to knowing my wrath, you must also know why. Here is a list of grievances that I am submitting to you for the eighth and final time.
1.Bill has said on several occasions that my hair makes me look like a geriatric Peggy Bundy.
2.Carl has a ring tone that features William Shatner screaming my name over and over again. He keeps playing it for his friends and acts like it’s still funny every time.
3.Beth keeps making bigoted statements about the genetically enhanced. I have reported her to HR on multiple occasions, yet no action has been taken.
4.Meryl is permitted to wear her slutty tops to work, yet I am not allowed to wear my vest that shows off my glorious pecs.

While the order to stay at least 50 feet from your secretary keeps me from killing all of you, be aware that all your trespasses against me shall not go unavenged. You may expect OHSA inspectors to arrive sometime on Thursday. They have receive a not-so anonymous tip regarding the obsolete sprinkler system that to which you fools have entrusted all our lives. May their bureaucracy stifle you like your mediocrity has stifled me.

Signed
Khan Noonien Singh

Mark Souder Gets Rapped

Stressed Out Woman Creates Another Video

Stressed out local writer/artist Gloria Diaz isn't just writing about her medical woes, now she's making videos about them.

"I should have recorded the surgery as it was happening, but this is funnier and nonsensical and not nearly as gross," says Diaz.

Diaz claims she has a cold, but will refrain from filming the snot dripping from her nose. At least for now.

Contest Entry

Jesus Rents Self

According to Failblog.org, Jesus is hard up for cash.

The website reports that Jesus contacted an advertising firm in New Zealand about putting a sign on a shack by a two-lane road.

The ad firm was mum about the transaction, and what exactly Jesus would do and for how much.

Rich Asshole Plagiarizes Poor Asshole

Rich asshole Seth MacFarlane, creator of the hit television shows “Family Guy,” “American Dad” and “The Cleveland Show”, has been accused of plagiarizing from other shows such as “The Simpsons.” Now, he’s being accused of plagiarizing a person.

Robert Enders, a poor asshole from Fort Wayne, Indiana, resembles MacFarlane to the extent that he is filing a lawsuit against MacFarlane for Doppelganger Infringement.
“I can’t fucking believe him,” exploded Enders, 30. “He’s a rich fuck and can’t even have an original looking face. He has to look like me!”

MacFarlane, 35, has taken hits in the press for not having an original concept with his breakout hit, “Family Guy.” Cancelled twice, it finally went back on the air after DVD sales skyrocketed and reruns of the show on Cartoon Network generated a healthy fan base.

“I don’t give fuck about Enders,” said MacFarlane, from his home in California.

“Well, fuck him,” said Enders, in response.

“No, fuck YOU, Robert!”

“NO, FUCK YOU, Seth!”

After several more minutes of tough-guy brags and taunts, MacFarlane and Enders got into a fight, which worsened when an obese man and a giant chicken entered into the fracas.

Self-Described "Creative Type" Films Asses for Fun

Thrilled with her first ever parody video, Gloria Diaz has released it on YouTube.

"'Baby Got Back' is one of my favorite songs," says Diaz. "Since we are one of the fattest cities in the nation, I figured this would be the easiest place to find huge rear ends. And boy, did I ever!"

Diaz's next video project will either mock her financial situation, or make fun of America's decline, whichever seems easier to produce.

"The music's not mine. Maybe someday, I'll compose my own, but for now, I'll just steal someone else's."

Obama to develop high speed trains, biplanes, and telegraph lines

From Recovery.org:
Critics of high speed rail insist that trains are obselete. Yet this and other programs are already stimulating the economy. So today I am proud to announce the purchase of a fleet of high speed biplanes for the Army Air Corps. These pursuit planes will fly in excess of 100mph, and will counter the threat posed by Prussian zeppelins.

We're also laying down a new high speed telegraph line that will stretch from coast to coast. It will transmit Morse code messages at the speed of light, and will provide jobs to thousands of communications majors.

National Big Box Chain Tries to be Ironic

The Northcrest Shopping Center Best Buy took a shot at being ironic--or did it?
The book display, featuring works by Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck, were displayed in front of a sign that read, "Enrich Your Mind."
"Fertilizer is enriching," said Stacy Lynch, who works in appliances. "I don't see what the big deal is."

Local Church Reaches Out to Negroes; Other Non-whites

A Fort Wayne, Indiana church is seeking to help those unfortunate individuals who weren’t born white.
“God can help,” says Pastor Rich Reynolds, of the Wallen Road Church of Christ. “He can make you white as snow.”
The church is offering a 10-week program in “Whiteness,” where participants will lose all sense of rhythm, avoid the south side of Fort Wayne, forbid their children to listen to rap, refuse to eat fried chicken and develop an appreciation for BMWs and clothing from L.L. Bean.

Hourly Room Rental to Lure Visitors to Downtown Fort Wayne

A new hotel planned for downtown Fort Wayne will offer several job opportunities for women 14-40.
An Hour At Harrison, by Courtyard by Marriott, will rent rooms by the hour, with female companions available for sightseeing, formal tours and companionship.
A spokesman for the Downtown Improvement District was thrilled at the prospect of women luring people downtown, if only for an hour.
“Our goal is to bring people downtown at any cost,” said the spokesman.
Applications for the position will be taken at several of the city’s strip clubs. Those women not old enough to enter the strip clubs should apply at the Fort Wayne Convention and Visitors Bureau.

Doctors Remove Big Mac from Rush Limbaugh's Aorta

Doctors have finally revealed they removed a Big Mac from Rush Limbaugh’s aorta. The hospital's staff planned to keep quiet until Limbaugh’s girlfriend said what she was doing when Limbaugh called her regarding his chest pains.
On hearing the news, millions of liberals were despondent that the Big Mac removal will add years to his life, but have hopes Limbaugh will still be taken down by a sniper, die in a plane crash or embarrass himself to death.